Meh Kiss Cake Business card spoof Hello, give meh meh ticket please?

Madam, Grace, Holy, Swar and Feinin share a Kiss Cake

Madam, Grace, Holy, Swar, dis is de best piece of art ah see in five centuries. It have everyting to hang in yuh house. All yuh need is a big tick nail and hammer to pound it in. Yuh husband, Gandhara Ga, de Eight Hundredth go like it bad. Yuh dough need dem expensive $5,000 dollar fake maco frame, when it fall and break soon after yuh hang it, dem does say sorry.

Art in Trinidad pretty eh, is Coconut tree, man badeing, Car-ne-vale picture wit brown skin women wit one feddar and dem stinking black oily blue Devil, de one ah see yuh bending down wit last Monday in yuh red pom, pom shorts wit de big sign writing between. Jook here hard. I does wonder when dem paint vagrant on bench, waterfall, man with umbrella, old run down house wit bush snake and half naked children running in latrine den drinking nasty barrel water. Ah wonder if dem does or want to live like dat?

It go be jokie to see paintings of dem living in big high house, have big TV screen, Mercedes car, twenty wheel truck, surfboard or dem on plane flying to countries I never see because you is one of dem Diplomat living in house ten time bigger dan yuh one room in Lond-don. Or yuh friends who does take we faddar land and building high and feel dem own we. Allyuh does work hard on yuh yardboy here or go fete twelve time a week. Madam, Grace, Holy, Swar it does vex meh seeing meh Maracas and Toco beach paint pretty when dem wipe out all dem stink garbage dem does carry or see in de snap.

Oh lawd, ah eh tell yeh when I visit to big Art-tist show in Small University, lady is whatless in dis place we. I see ting me eh understand, ah say were de manual to read, is like dem VCR yuh remember, yuh have to press ten thousand button to set de time.

Madam, Grace, Holy, Swar is the fifth wife of Gandhara Ga, de Eight Hundredth

Between you and I, ah go share meh last creamy Kiss Cake, just tink back when dem oily red, white and black devil, lick up between and get at de cream as dey brush yuh down in de canal. Just now I hear dem big star jealousing meh Feinin Art. I know de boldface stealing so dem ca have meh gold between dem teet, Dem feel I go lie down so? Is cutlass all de way to meh bank. Madam, Grace, Holy, Swar, look, take meh Kiss Cake card, all meh billion art-tist fighting over meh thoughts, is Trinidad and Tobago I is from. Hello, yuh forget to give meh ticket or what?

Note: The Kiss Cake cream cake is packaged with a thin white card that can be suitable as a call card in an emergency, providing you use a felt pen

Marion Crane’s last Trinidad Orange Juice gulp

If it’s Citrus Growers Association Orange Juice, I drinking it with ants

Ah catch yuh wit meh juice

From the kitchen…

Marion ah tell yuh ah having friends over. Is long time since we host like dem fete days every weekend. Now people fraid to go out after 3pm. Is you have to serve dem in yuh Best Village dance de belle costume, and mix meh favorite, de best, Co-operative Citrus Growers Association Orange Juice. Is only one tin remain. Remember is plenty tap water to add to make it stretch. Wait, is you singing he tune so,

From the shower…

Listen to the heart, am so alone, honey, brother bring me a phone, Hello, I giving back to you, I changing your ways, if only you believe, am your lover, like your brother…

The shower curtain confrontation…

Marion ah catch yuh wit meh juice tin, dough tell my yuh drorts meh Trinidad Orange? Meh party guest just arrive, is what now, Matouk Mauby to stir and serve Detective Milton Arbogast, Sam Loomis, Sheriff Al Chambers, Tom Cassidy, Caroline and California Charlie. Is big star I invite after I sweat all day making grave, and now ah have to make shovel for one more.

Norman, is I buy dis separate, you must be Psycho putting on yuh mudder old dress and pretending to be a flim star. Yuh looking for man oh what? I see yuh pose on de bookmann naked, looking same way as yuh come pop out yuh mudder hole, and bawl before de doctor slap yuh. Yuh ain’t shame?

Marion, I find you farse wit yuh self, you just jealous over I, Yuh better leave some drops so I ca say is Orchard Orange Drink ah serving, and fool dem all.

Addendum: To truly scare an audience, Alfred Hitchcock believed that secrecy over a plot should motive the audience in suspense. Psycho had its moments, Janet Leigh’s scream sent chills, I beg to differ

Note: A wife’s tail. When diluting a fruit drink, alway add the main ingredient first. Juice + water, never water + juice

Vaseline Oil + Curry

Feinin going to a San Fernando chutney fete with slick down hair with oil. Which one better? Coconut or Vaseline?

Hello, Pandey, yuh have meh waiting in dis dark cane field, yuh know I does frighten because meh cousin Sisodiya tell meh dey have plenty Soucouyant and I eh want to get suck unless is you sucking meh neck and between meh nanny. Ah wash it with carbolic soap this time, we ca both have curry mouth staining we skin. Make sure yuh bring back meh fada record and de cassette yeh promise to make. Ah plat meh hair in a bun to fool meh fada, as if I going to night prayers and go bring meh light foundation to over up de love mark. Bring two hot Guinness just incase I ca wash it out by de river…”

Singampalli, daling, ah just rub down meh dashboard with Mayaro coconut oil wit a dab of Vaseline. It go make you feel like country in meh Datsun 120y. I better put some good pressure in de back tire, all ten of meh partners, Biglip, Saltfishmouth, Hen, Japblade, Runninglatrine, Pitchlakebroda and more have to fit in de back.have to fit in de back.

Oh Shiva, I forget to hide meh treasures in de car, Singampalli yuh lock up de windows tight? Vaseline Petroleum Jelly, Queen the works album among other memorabilia in a Datsun 120y

Horn Food – Libby’s

Feinin cooking Libby’s Horn Food

Oh gorm, Rosaline, yuh season de pot well wit Maggi, It making feel to meh to brush yuh double. You talk wit yuh gold teet self, I tell yuh to buy Libby’s with Montreal smoked Pork flavor Corned Beef. Yuh know George does fret after holding bandit like you all day, night, morning, evening, Christmas and Eid. He want he favourite dish with slice tomato and cucumber like always, tree times a week. It nearly six o’clock now and Four Roads just up de road. Yuh know he have siren horn to pass all dat traffic and sometime he does get drop wit blimp or helicopter when dey have no vehicle.

Yuh done finish yet? Pull up meh pantie nah. Now, ah have to finish cook, spray the bedroom with black disinfectant to kill out yuh smell and untie de twenty rottweiler. Bring dat quail up cabbage yuh tell meh yuh tief in de Central Market last time, and scale de wall close to de neighbour kitchen side, dem so does maco yes. Jahmaddin, Jahmaddin, where de key, where de key to open de Corn Beef?, Oh fada Muslim, why you and Deportee does forgot to pick one wit it

Addendum: In Trinidad sayings, Corn beef is termed as a meal which can be prepared very quickly, making quite apt as to be called Horn Food.

Ah get a free flight home oui

Deportee pertaining to Nationals that are deported. They generally can be distinguished by their thick North  American accent and work in places such a gas stations, groceries or left roaming on the streets

Horn: Adultery

Mabelle’s unused Brillo

Feinin-Hermes as Mabelle

Ca-Sandra, is months now I ain’t get a proper brush. All week ah feeling a tingling in meh crotch. Meh eh eh aging like a rust out Brillo pad, everything closing down, if only ah had to wee wee, I’ll have nutting dere. Sometimes at night I does go into a sweat and meh body, praise the lawd does wicked meh mind and any ting ah find long, I does use, like meh cassava pestle, I does go for it and oil it up with petroleum jelly to clear the cobweb. And you yuhself tief meh Sweat Rice recipe. After I scrub de pots wit a Brillo, I say, wait nah, dis pad resemble meh nanny.